The Power of NO.
I don’t know about you, but becoming a parent has changed a lot of my daily activities and how I prioritize things in my life. And when I say a lot, I mean pretty much everything…from (no) sleep to being responsible for a life and trying to get shit done…from the mundane (showers) to the nearly impossible (work projects, looking decent and being pleasant on so little sleep), it’s a lot to take on. No complaints as it is everything I wanted and pretty much expected with the added rewards and memories that I couldn’t have ever in my life imagined could be so fulfilling in my prior no kids, all about me lifestyle.
With that said, everything comes with a cost. And not just the monetary kind…as we can all agree, that has drained…err I mean, changed as well…hah! Becoming a parent not only has affected my household, but also the relationships I carry outside of my family life. I see friends less often, happy hours are scarce and let’s not even talk about my “necessary” pampering I used to allow myself weekly and monthly…hello, short non-polished nails. Heck, one of the main reasons I have dark hair now is because getting the time to get out and dye it got lower and lower on my priority and monetary list. Besides, mom buns don’t discriminate. Do I still love those things…HELL YEA I do! But if I had to choose something to do with 4 hours of random free time I get on a Saturday, I’d rather try to knock 3 things out versus just sitting in a salon chair. But that’s just me. I still get to do that – just not as often. And that’s OK…if it wasn’t then I would keep that higher on my list and push lunch with friends, GNO or sleep further down on the list. The point is…I must prioritize way more now than ever since a.) there is still only 24 hours in a day (dammit) b.) My salary did not triple with the 2 additions to my family (double dammit.) and c.) I have become the ‘momager’ of my household and now oversee not only myself, but my children’s activities and am responsible for their well-being and turning them into extraordinary (read: decent) adults. And continuing my pre-kids lifestyle would be irresponsible on so many levels…especially because of point b (ahem). BUT, I am still and forever will be ME so I do the things that are very important to ME. Yoga, alone time with the hubs, lunch or dinner with girlfriends regularly and LIFE celebrations are all things that must remain a staple in my life. Oh, and monthly massages. Because YOLO! And of course, family vacations and at least one vacation with the hubby sans kids are a treat we try to fit in annually. But with all the added costs and time consumption kids add to the daily grind, it’s not always easy, especially when school tuition and activities come into play. We must…budget. Shoot, I used to think I budgeted…but it was more to save for multiple vacations or that ridiculously costly purse I HAD to have. Now, it’s to live the best life I can with what we have. And since we do not have unlimited funds nor time, things get pushed to the bottom and off the list.
Unfortunately, friendships have failed or ‘friends’ grew distant from us. Or we would get that ‘you’re not being a good friend guilt’ because we refused a wine tasting on a Wednesday. Ummm…sorry I can’t attend something you gave me two days’ notice for on a school night. Sure, I could try…but then if I’m hungover and grouchy the next day and my kid happens to be late for school…whose fault would that be? Mine. And guess what…it negatively affects my kids. I have taken on so many responsibilities upon myself in my life, but to be responsible for another’s demise…no thank you. Even if I do manage to get them to school on time, I still gave up hours of precious quality time and sleep, which is already practically non-existent. And no sleep equals a very grumpy me. And grumpy me equals mean mommy for no reason other than my own doing. I sure as hell do not want them to learn irresponsibility from me. Or to feel that wrath for no good reason. It may sound drastic, but little things add up and the kids will see and feel it too. But if we schedule something in for a Friday night and I find a sitter in advance, then no holds bar…let’s Paaartaaaay!!
The point is…it is OK to say No to certain things you cannot do or frankly have no time for at this point in your life. In the scenario above, I chose sleep over a random night out. Maybe if I had a rough day at work, the latter would have been more useful to me and I would have made it work. But no one should make you feel bad for a decision you make for yourself. We all want to be our best selves at the end of the day. And it is a given that everyone has a hierarchy of important people and events in their lives. I’ve been given shit for missing a random brunch because I go to Yoga at those times, yet, the same people were unwilling to push the time back because of their prior appointment after. OK, that’s fine. Next time, I say. But I’m the one who gets dealt a deal of guilt because I don’t want to cancel my yoga? Something that I look forward to weekly in my routine that is my ME time. Send that guilt elsewhere. Now, if a friend from out of town happened to be here for business or something, then so long, yoga – see ya next week. You see how this works? Balance. I don’t have a lot of flexibility in my schedule for my ME time so my scheduled time for ME is important, but so is spending time with a good friend I seldom get to see.
You can’t do it all and you will get burnt the EFF out trying.
I have had friends come back into my life full force after having kids and even apologizing for stuff I forgot about – and applauding me even – for even being able to squeeze lunches in with them with 2 babies at home. <Insert smug smiley here.>
I have canceled multiple outings this winter because honestly, it wasn’t worth it to get the kids bundled and ready and bring them to my moms for a couple hours and then pick them back up all while battling the evil snow on the ground late night. Yea…no thanks lol. True friends will understand. If the benefit doesn’t outweigh the negative, it’s not worth it – in all facets of life. Period. There are some people who feel bad saying no (looking at you DH) and then go home regretting it and are now backed up with home/work life. It’s not worth the suffering of being thrown off schedule if you do not have the time, energy or money to spare – true friends will understand. And those who don’t really don’t care about your well-being as a person or parent. Move on. Your kiddos are only little for so long and won’t really need you as much in a few years. Be the best you for yourself and your family and trust me, your true friends and those who appreciate you will be there when you’re ready to spend a whole day having a champagne brunch and bitching about your crazy teenagers. 😉
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Sending good vibes only and always,
juggerMOM
juggermom.com 